Coping With an Ill-Tempered Child

By: Shaikh Salman al-Awdah

Source: www.islamtoday.net 



It never ceases to amaze me how many people complain about their

children’s bad tempers and have not the faintest idea what to do when their

children get angry.



We are often surprised and hurt by the things we hear our children say

in anger, their hands folded across their chests, words like: “I hate

you!” and “I don’t want you!” and “I don’t love you anymore!” Children

say such things when they are angry, and parents are often at a loss to

respond with anything other than harsh words, curses, and a good smack.

Most parents have no better remedy to administer and justify themselves

by saying that they are disciplining their children for their bad

manners.



In truth, cursing and hitting the child is nothing more than a hasty

reaction from the parents dressed up in the guise of “discipline”.



There are many things that the parents need to take into consideration

in order to handle the situation correctly and remedy their children’s

tempers:



* When we consider the guidance of the Prophet (p.b.u.h.), we observe

that he never once struck his wife or servant. I am not merely

discussing the question of “to hit or not to hit”. What I am saying is that

hitting often exacerbates the problem far more than it remedies it.



* Many parents are confused about what they should do first when their

child gets angry – should they focus on the cause of the anger or on

the anger itself?



In my personal estimation, it seems that seeking a solution for the

cause of the anger is better than trying to remedy the anger itself.

Eliminating the cause of a problem is invariably a solution to the problem.



* If we as adults fail to exhibit any self-restraint when we are angry,

how can we expect our children to do so? It is important for us to

raise our children to know how to stay calm and collected and deal with

things in a rational manner. If we are neglectful in this, then we will

have no recourse but to calm the child down when he gets angry and then

try to find out how to deal with the cause of his anger.



There is an old Arab saying that goes: “You cannot give what you do not

have.” This is true. If the parent has a bad temper and is unable to

control himself when he gets angry, how can he fault his child for the

same? The parent is the role model. The child does what he sees his

parents doing.



* Why should we not discuss the matter with our children when they get

angry? Isn’t it better to use such a tone than it is to cry and shout,

which only causes the child even more distress? There is no problem

with using a conversational tone in discussing matters with our children.

In the Quran, we see that the Lord of All the Worlds uses such a tone

with his angels and His Prophets. We see the Prophet Solomon (p.b.u.h.)

using such a tone even when he speaks to a bird. Is not it more

appropriate for us to do so with our children who are our own flesh and blood?



Many parents address their children in a demeaning, condescending tone,

simply because their children are small and their young minds have not

matured. The parents see that the time to show respect has not yet

arrived. I see this as a big mistake, though one that is very common. If we

look to the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) for guidance, we see that he behaved

very respectfully towards children.



* We need to exercise a lot of patience when dealing with children. A

child is naturally eager and impressionable, with an unlimited

imagination. It is wrong to expect him to behave like an adult when he has yet

to learn to distinguish between what is beneficial and what is harmful.

This explains to us the reason why the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) descended

from the pulpit to meet his grandchildren al-Hasan and al-Husayn, even

though many prominent Companions were standing before him.



* It is a serious mistake for our children to feel unloved by his

parents. This is the case even when the child is being punished. The feeling

of love should be ever-present, even when administering bitter

medicine. This is especially true since our children have hold of our hearts,

and in spite of their tender years, they have an influence over us.



* We need to accustom our children to communicating their feelings to

us, to express themselves properly when they are angry instead of crying

and shouting.



When we come to know the cause of the anger, we need to speak to our

children on their own level and explain matters to them in a way that

they can understand. We cannot deal with them as if they were adults like

ourselves, we must deal with them on their own level, no matter how

trivial their problems may seem to us.



We can think about how a little girl took the Prophet’s hand and he

allowed her to lead him around wherever she wanted to go.



A child needs to feel that he lives in an environment of controlled

freedom. He should not live in an atmosphere of constant control and

domination so that he represses his feelings and his identity.



* In one survey, it was determined that 70% of the children living in

the Gulf region suffer from psychological disorders of one kind or

another. We find ourselves between two opposite extremes – that of going

overboard in controlling and disciplining our children and that of utter

laxity. What is needed is a just balance.



I know some very respectable people who insist on pining over every

detail when it comes to “raising” their children, so much so that the

child can scarcely breathe without being taken to account for it. When the

father comes to me with his son in tow, the boy’s face is ashen and he

is visibly disturbed. This is because the child is not allowed to act

in any way other than according to his father’s mindset, which is an

impossible burden for the mind of a small child.



* We must teach our children to seek means to control their anger. We

might instruct them to perform ablutions or to sit down if they are

standing or to take hold of a book or some other object. If he does so and

his anger subsides, then he should be commended and rewarded for

keeping his anger under control. Do not withhold the praise when your child

keeps himself calm. Let him know with your words and gestures that you

recognize his achievement. Give him a little token of appreciation, even

just the pen in your shirt pocket.



* Allow the child to role-play. Be the angry one and let your child try

to calm you down. Let his try whatever means he feels are appropriate.



* It is better for a child to say “I feel angry because of this or

that” than it is for him to scream and shout.



* The dictatorial approach is not always the right one. We need to

avoid saying things like “Shut up!” “Get out of my sight!” “If I get my

hands on you, I am going to break your head!” and “Don’t use that impudent

tone with me!”



At times, might we rather say: “Dear, I am your father (or mother, as

the case may be) and I love you. I feel it when you are angry, so do not

distress me so.” What is important is for the child to empathize with

your feelings. The child today will be an adult tomorrow, and if we do

not develop such an empathy with our children when they are young, we

may regret it down the road.



* We should take to heart the example of the Prophet (p.b.u.h.). Anas

said about him: “I swear by Allah. I have never seen anyone show more

mercy to his family that Allah’s Messenger (p.b.u.h.).” (Sahih Muslim

2316)



The Prophet (p.b.u.h.) loved children. He wept when his little son

Ibrahim died.



Whenever a child was born, they would bring the child to the Prophet

(p.b.u.h.) and he would offer supplications for the child. Sometimes he

would change a child’s name to a better one. He used to play with

children and humor them.



When al-Hasan, the Prophet’s grandson came running into the Prophet’s

room and jumped down in front of him, the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) embraced

him and kissed him and said: “O Allah! Love him and love those who love

him.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 2122 and Sahih Muslim 2421)



He would go to the mosque, carrying either al-Hasan or al-Husayn on his

shoulder. Once he prayed his prayers while carrying Umamah bint Zainab

in his arms. He consoled a small child whose pet bird had died. He

would even seek the permission of a child sitting to his right to allow him

to offer a drink first to some elders on his left. When the child

refused to waive his right, the Prophet (p.b.u.h.) served the child first.

We see where `Amr b. Salamah was appointed to lead the prayers for his

people though he was only six years old, simply because he was the most

knowledgeable among them of the Quran.



Examples like these abound, and when we regard them, the greatness of

the Prophet’s character becomes all the more evident to us. We realize

that the best schools of education and childrearing in the East and West

are in need of the light of our Prophet’s example.