The Mother's influence on the children

The most prevailing influence anything can have on the child is the

influence of the mother. Hence the mother is required to develop virtuous

morals and character. Don’t underplay any action of the child even if

it seems trivial. You should be well conscious of the child’s activities

within the home and beyond as well. However, the child should not be

aware that he is under surveillance as this would hamper his natural

development and he won’t be able to come out of himself. Similarly, when

you see something in his possession that was not given by you or his

father or any other relative, make sure you delve into the source of that

item. Some parents wholly believe their children when they claim they

found it on the road or obtained it from a friend. The parents avoid the

trouble of making further enquiries and consider their duty done.

Whereas it is a natural instinct that if a child, Allah Ta'ala forbid, stole

the item he is bound to make such false claims to protect himself from

humiliation. It is also natural that when the child realizes that his

parent or guardian is not very meticulous about his inquiries then the

child is bound to plummet further into a life of criminality.



Worse than this is when the child is assisted or encouraged by the

parent to engage in theft. Undoubtedly the child will become more

entrenched in this crime and he is bound to be entangled in a life of vice and

criminality.



A Muslim court once handed down sentence to a thief. As his hand was

about to be amputated, he ragingly addressed the people around him

saying: “Before amputating my hand amputate my mother’s tongue. When I

pilfered an egg the very first time in my life from my neighbour’s house, my

mother failed to admonish me. She didn’t even ask me to return the egg

to the neighbour. In fact, she started chirping in happiness and said:

“I praise the Almighty that today my son has turned out to be a perfect

man.” If my mother didn’t have such a twittering tongue, I wouldn’t

have been a criminal of society today."



An incident pertaining to this topic is narrated in the books of

Hadith. One night, Hadrat ‘Umar (Radhiallaahu Anhu) was on his usual rounds

around Madinah when he came across a house and overheard the following

conversation:

“Daughter! Add on a bit of water to the milk.” On hearing more

closely, he realized that mother and daughter are engaged in a dispute over

diluting the milk with water. Upon the mother asking the daughter to add

water, the daughter replied: “This is an offense. The Caliph has

vehemently forbade such an action.” The mother countered: “Where will the

Caliph be able to see us here?” What a startling response the daughter

offered. She said: “Then where is Allah?” In other words, Allah Ta’ala is

watching us. On hearing this reply, Hadrat ‘Umar (Radhiallaahu Anhu)

returned home, went up to his son ‘Aasim and asked him to marry this

girl. He subsequently married her. From the progeny of this union a great

personality like ‘Umar bin ‘Abdul ‘Azîz was born – a personality whose

achievements can never be forgotten by the Islâmic world.



On the basis of the aforementioned points we merely wish to drive home

the fact that a mother has dynamic influence over the child. If the

mother is pious the child will also be inclined to piety and if the mother

has mean habits or evil character then these will surely be conveyed to

the child.



How wonderfully a poet puts it when he says: 'The grass that grows in

the orchard is very different to the grass that grows in the jungle.

What hope of excellence can we entertain from children suckled by

deficient women?'



The Sahâbah (Radhiallaahu Anhum) and the Tâbi‘în (RA) who were holders

of exceptional virtues, inherited these virtues from their mothers. Let

us mention a few of them here:



1. Hadrat Zubair bin ‘Awwâm (Radhiallaahu Anhu) is highly indebted to

his mother Hadrat Safiyyah bintu ‘Abdul Muttalib (Radhiallaahu Anha).

She was responsible for moulding his character and morals.



2. Hadrat ‘Abdullâh, Munzir and ‘Urwah (Radhiallaahu Anhuma) all the

sons of Hadrat Zubair (Radhiallaahu Anhu) were the harvest of the seeds

planted by their mother Hadrat Asmâ bintu Abu Bakr (Radhiallaahu Anhu).

Each one of them turned out to be a distinctive model of perfection.



3. Hadrat ‘Alî (Radhiallaahu Anhu) was trained with outstanding morals

and wisdom at the hands of his mother Fâtimah bintu Asad.



4. Hadrat ‘Abdullâh bin J‘afar (Radhiallaahu Anhu) the most charitable

soul of the Arabs and the most moralistic of the youth was also brought

up by his mother Asmâ bintu ‘Umais (Radhiallaahu Anhu). She shaped him

on the outstanding morals and character she herself possessed.



5. Hadrat Mu‘âwiyah (Radhiallaahu Anhu) inherited from his mother

Hindah (Radhiallaahu Anhu) certain skills and talents which he was unable to

acquire from his father. When Hindah, his mother, observed his

intellectual capabilities during his childhood and someone said to her that

this child will become a leader of his people, she confidently replied:

“May I cry over him (in other words, may he die) if he fails to become a

leader.”



As far as division of responsibility is concerned, Islâm has placed the

bulk of the responsibility of rearing the children on the shoulders of

the parents. They are required to rear the children in such a manner

that they become proficient in conducting their own responsibilities of

life.



So if you want you children to develop the attributes of personalities

like Nûrud-Dîn Zangi, Shaikh ‘Abdul Qâdir Jaylâni, Maulânâ Muhammad

Ilyâs Kândhalwî and Maulânâ Ashraf 'Alî Thânwî (RA) then you and your

husband are required to cast your life in a profile of religiousness and

good morals. Be unstinting in your endeavours. Together with your plans

and strategies ensure that you make sincere Du‘âs for them as well.



Madrassah In'aamiyyah Campendown, South Africa



PRACTICAL TIPS FOR PARENTING YOUNG CHILDREN



Parents of Young children (preschool age) should have few expectations

in terms of behavior and acquisition of knowledge due to the cognitive

limitations at this age. This does not mean that children Should be

allowed to run about and do as they please; they still require guidelines

and boundaries. What it ducs mcan is that care should be taken

regarding the methods that are used to raise children and the values that are

instilled from the very beginning. It is interesting to note that the

Arabic term tarbiyah, which is often used to mean teaching or training,

generally refers to growth, increase, nourishment, and cultivation. This

relates to the physical, intellectual, emotional, psychological, and

spiritual aspects of an individual. When thinking of growth and

cultivation this implies that something has already been planled or is already

present (natural fitrah).



Tarbiyah then refers to the various methods that are used to watch over

and attend to a child until he or she becomes prepared to take

responsibility and behave in complete submission to and worship of Allah,

subhanahu wa ta'ala. The following suggestions are techniques that may be

used for tarbiyah for early childhood.



Play, Play, Play



Play should be the primary emphasis during this time in a child's life

since this is the means through which they gain an understanding of the

world around them. Pretend or imaginative play is the most common type

of play during this stage and this directly impacts cognitive, social,

and psychological development.



Children will often mimic or imitate the behavior of adults or other

children around them in their play, which is their way of preparing for

their particular roles in life. Girls will most often imitate their

mother, and boys will follow in the footsteps of their father. You will see

girls playing with dolls, dressing and feeding them and boys in more

rough-and-tumble physical types of play. These gender roles develop at an

early age and are a natural part of Allah's plan for the

dilterentiation of responsibilities for men and women. These and other types of play

should be encouraged and fostered in young children.



Prevention



The saying "Prevention is the best medicine" is true not only in the

medical field, but also within psychology. There are many steps that

parents can take to prevent misbehavior and avoid the disruption that (his

can cause within the family.



First of all, children need predictability, structure, and guidelines

because this gives them a sense of security and a feeling that there is

order in the world. When this is present they are less likely to feel

anxious or stressed which, in turn, will decrease the likelihood of

inappropriate behavior. Children will sometimes act chaotic if they are in

a chaotic environment. Secondly, probably the most common reason for

misbehavior is to gain attention from a parent or other adults. A

defining feature of being human is the need for social contact, approval, and

attcntion that is already present at birth. When parents fulfil) this

need adequately, a child will feel content and be more likely to cngagc

in solitary play. If a child is not able to obtain attention through

positive behavior, lie or she may utilize negative behavior for this

purpose. Parents can fulfill this need by spending quality time with their

child (e.g., talking, playing, reading, enjoying nature, and much

more).

Quality is often more important than quantity.



Rewarding Positive Behavior



The concept of rewards and punishments is an integral part of Islamic

Aqeedah as there are natural consequences for each or our actions. This

same wisdom can be applied to the area of parenting. The Messenger of

Allah, sallallaahu alayhe wa sallam, said that Allah, sublmnahu wa

ta'ala, says, "Allah has written down the good deeds and the bad ones. Then

He explained it (by saying that) he who has intended a good deed and

has not done it, Allah writes it down with Himself as a full good deed;

but if he has intended it and has done it, Allah writes it down with

Himself as from ten good deeds to seven hundred times, or many times over.



But if he has intended a bad deed and has not done it, Allah writes it

down with Himself as a full good deed, but if he has intended it and

has done it, Allah writes it down as one bad deed." (Bukhari and Muslim).

Allah's mercy can be seen in this Hadeeth Qudsi and this should be

reflected in a parent's tarbiyah as well. Rewards are effective in not only

increasing the occurrence of positive behavior, but also in decreasing

negative behavior and increasing a child's self-esteem. The most

eflective rewards for children are those that are the easiest to give:

praise, encouragement, hugs, thanks, etc.



Ignoring Misbehavior



Many of the inappropriate behaviors of young children can simply be

ignored or disregarded. The Prophet, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, is our

best example in this regard. Anas ibn Malik said, "The Messenger of

Allah, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, had the best disposition among people.

One day he sent me on an errand and I said, 'By Allah, I will not go,'

but it was in my mind that I would do as the Messenger of Allah had

ordered me. I went until I came upon children playing in the street. Then

the Messenger of Allah, sallallaahu alayhe wasallam, arrived and he

caught me by the back of my neck from behind. As I looked at him, I found

him smiling, and he said, `Unays (Anas' nickname), did you go where I

asked you to go'?' I said, `O Messenger of Allah, yes, I am going."'

Anas said further, "I served him for nine years, but I do not know that he

ever said to me about anything I did, why I did that, or about anything

I had neglected, why I had not done that." (Muslim).



We may want to compare this to how we react to or interact with our own

children. For young children, in particular, it is really

counterproductive to berate, question, and reprimand when they really have little

understanding as to why they acted in a certain way. Simply ignoring the

behavior may be the most appropriate response. Another related

technique is to redirect the child to something else in the environment to draw

attention away from the undesirable.



It is important to realize that within these general guidelines there

are about as many ways to parent as there are parents. Parents need to

lake into consideration the unique personalities, dispositions, and

gifts of each child when deciding upon a particular approach. What may work

with one child may not necessarily be effective with another. It is

also imperative to remember that our children are one of the greatest

tests that we have from Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, and we need to

continually ask Him for assistance and guidance for ourselves and our children.

This is the most effective and powerful tool for tarbiyah. "When My

servants ask you (Muhammad) concerning Me, I am indeed near. I respond to

the prayer of every suppliant when he calls on Me. Let them also, with

a will, listen to My call and believe in Me, that they may walk in the

right way." [2:186]

Dr. Aisha Hamdan





My Lord! surely I stand in need of whatever good you may send down to

me.

Al-Qasas  :24