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Saturday, August 27, 2011

Woman's dictionary; essential knowledge for men!


Lesson 1 - The Basics
  • Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up.
  • Five minutes: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. 'Five minutes' is five minutes or less if you have just been given 'five more minutes' to watch the game before helping around the house.
  • Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means "a lot ," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ''Nothing'' usually end in "Fine" (See above.)
  • Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it, you’ll regret this.
  • Loud sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."(See above.)
  • That's OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
  • Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
  • Whatever: It's a woman's way of saying: "*!#@ YOU"
Lesson 2 - The Tricky Ones
  • Pay close attention: there will be a quiz later.
  • We need to talk: I need to complain
  • You’re ... so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
  • You’re certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?
  • I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting!: I’m on my period.
  • I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.
  • Do you love me?: I’m going to ask for something expensive. Can occasionally mean the same as 'How much do you love me?' (See below)
  • How much do you love me?: I wrecked the car on the parking lot.
  • I’ll be ready in a minute.: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
  • Do you like this recipe?: It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.
  • Was that the baby?: Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
  • I’m not yelling!:Of course I am yelling; you aren't paying attention to my all-important complaint.
Lesson 3 - Philosophy
  • I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
  • Be romantic, turn out the lights: I have flabby thighs.
  • Are you listening to me!?: Too late, you’re dead.
  • You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.
  • This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.
  • I want new curtains: and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....., and what about a new house?
  • Is my butt fat?: Tell me I’m beautiful.
Lesson 4 - Advanced classes
  • Yes: No
  • No: No
  • Maybe: No
  • I’m sorry.: You’ll be sorry.
  • You want: You want.... - how can someone be so stupid?
  • We need: I want
  • It’s your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now.
  • Do what you want: You’ll pay for this later.
  • Sure... go ahead: I don’t want you to.
  • I’m not upset: Of course I’m upset, you moron!
  • Hang the picture there: NO, I mean hang it there! Or there, or somewhere else, so I can gradually make up my mind and order you about the house in the process.
  • All we’re going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
Extra class - The answer to "What’s wrong?"
  • The same old thing: Nothing
  • Nothing: Everything
  • Everything: My PMS is acting up
  • Nothing, really: It’s just that you’re such an asshole
  • I don’t want to talk about it: Go away, I’m still building up steam

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