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Saturday, January 10, 2009

"Theory Of Eid. . . Brilliant" - from Aadil Patel

I have approx 40 blogs linked and had the opportunity to go through all of them the past 2 days.. And let me tell you, some of them are in a sad state of affairs.. Not by appearance or by glamour BUT by their content.. But thats besides the point, lets get to current affairs.. And let me tell u another story.. I open the newspaper today, after like over a month and i see Elaine from Seinfeld running for US vice-presidency and even heard that we had no leader for a weekend.. Enuf ranting, time to get to the matter at hand.. The most anticipated day in the Muslim calender is under a week away and preparations are well set for this day..

The day of Eid.. Is an auspiscious day of happiness, joy and festivities.. People fast for 29/30 days and then conclude it with this blessed day.. Now what happens this blessed day is another story.. So lets get into the details.. It starts with Eid night.. The equivelant to Christmas Eve.. But instead of turkey and stuffing ppl are still having their final dosage of high cholestrol in the form of samoosas, bhajias (chilli bites), pies, spring rolls and donder kebaabs.. (the last one i threw in for fun). The men will go for the final night prayer of the month (for some it will be the pen ultimate for the year after the Eid main prayer) and return with a sigh of relief.. They look like they fought Jihaad against the old Soviet Union.. And then the majaa (fun) starts..

All the aunties are engaged in making meethai (sweet meats) for the day ahead ,while some are setting breakfast tables and some are doing torrid and sinful acts such as applying Mendhi on their hands.. The eve of Eid is generally an early night for most as the day ahead is a hectic one.. Theres after sunrise prayer followed by the main Eid prayer about an hour or so later.. Then its breakfast time.. Ppl mainly have a huge family gathering for this.. So they all rock up by Uncle Bhai Gora's house for this meal.. Now this is a breakfast of note.. The cornflakes, eggs, orange juice, sausages, toast and fruit are substituted for roast chicken, lamb roast, puree (glorified roti), coke and fruit punches.. The tea also is served with catalogue designed biscuits (made with mendhi hands) and a cake of note.. Now this cake looks like it came back from an episode of "PIMP MY CAKE".. Its got alles.. Cherries, jam, cream and even them anciat chocolate wings.. Now u kla eat all this and u feel like u had the Titanic's food storage for breakfast.. And we cannot forget Sir koomoh aka eid noo doodh aka Eid Milk.. A rich nourishing drink comprising of fine almonds, pistachios, vermicillei, tukmuria, sugar and other stuff.. This ppl call RIVAAJ (custom).. But who cares.. Its Eid.. Thats what we do.. We starve 30 days so that we can act like somali's in soup kitchen for 1 day.. Its sad yet true..

People then loath or go to the graveyard to pay respect to those fortunate enuf to not witness such catastrophic events.. ( applying mendhi and shit).. Then the rest of the morning is engaged in Panchaat (gossip) and minor Ghibat (backbiting) with the family concerning the family.. I know.. U abstain for 30 days to blow it in a day.. Thats the price of ignorance these days.. Then its lunch time.. Now when the okes come for lunch u see the shortened/clean shaven beards.. The gel'd hair.. The designer jeans all enclosed with a kurtah from Alan Wilson.. The lunch is one of note.. Normally at nani's or dadi's house..The richest saffron basted chicken biryani known to man is served.. Bear in mine u ate like a warthog 3 hours before.. Now u have to gobble this.. And its full house..

After lunch the devil's imminent release is noted.. That Alan Wilson kurtah comes off.. The gel gets more of a wet look and the girls put on all their stuff that they bought at the Oriental Plaza the week before.. WAIT.. How can i forget that.. The weekend before Eid in the Plaza is like Arafat on hajj day.. People are everywhere.. Its mayhem.. People of all ages looking for last minute accessories and shoes.. Its madness.. U wit owes think Christmas shopping is bad.. Goto the Plaza this coming Saturday.. Its like Boswel Wilkie all over again.. Back to the point.. Girls are kitted, guys are kitted and off they go in daddy's BMW to Zoo lake.. Now. FIRSTLY i want to re-iterate that IT IS NOT CUSTOM, RELIGIOUS, TRADITION to be IN, AROUND, CLOSE TO or UNDER WATER on this day.. Yet the youth go there.. The WESTERN WORLD must be thinking we like water pokemon.. goin to our homes on Christmas day.. And the lake is a place of ajeebness (WTF in gujrati).. Girls wearing outfits, Carmen Elektra will be shy to walk outdoors with and guys all shining in their Levis and brand new takkies from rashid cassim.. The cars are another story,. All shining and reminiscent of a pimp my ride show.. Engines revving and music playing.. And cross-contamination of males and females.. And all this approx 15 hours after the most blessed month of the year has passed. I heard Zeenat from Pietersburg hires a Ferrari for this day and a chaueffeur brings her in it to the lake.. Where she parades around like she is the DAIRY QUEEN. And this event just demoralises the community as a whole and pitifies the fact that we are an uncouth, ungrateful breed, that in a month of glorification and grandeur we depicted it to be a month of limitation and hardship.. Like we were imprisoned and got released.. Even Mandela didnt behave like this after 27 years in jail..

At night is round 3 in the musical chairs genre (where u go sit at 3 diff ppl's houses and eat their food). U feel like DUMBO the elephant at this stage and another glass of coke will make u float into orbit.. Its more of a chilled meal and relaxin convo.. I love eid nights.. However, the ZOO LAKE crowd go to either FORDSBURG or any other place filled with restaurants.. Now here the tyre burning, mini drags, catwalk style parading all takes a higher notch.. Girls walk in those jeans that took them an hour to get on.. They walk like their butt cheeks are chewing gum.. Guys all with cellphones in hand dialing to check how much airtime they have and having a lenghty sexy convo with the IVR/voice prompts.. And its all mayhem then.. Fights break out cos u tramped one dudes brand new white Adidas takkies or u smacked his sisters buttocks.. Shit like that.. And thats how the night transpires..

The next day, Radio Islam is filled with stories of all the evil that transpired that day and ppl are talking and guys are chuffed with the new mxit contacts they received at ZOO Lake etc etc.. Also toilet paper sales go up that day.. And that is how it all goes down.. Also u eat Eid food for the week to come.. Until next time..

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