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Friday, September 17, 2004

Motherhood & Breastfeeding

Motherhood

"And We have enjoined on man to be good to his parents: In travail upon travail did his mother bear him and in two years was his weaning. Show gratitude to Me and to your parents" (Quran 31:14).

"A man asked the Prophet: 'Whom should I honor most?' The Prophet replied: 'Your mother'. 'And who comes next?' asked the man. The Prophet replied: 'Your mother'. 'And who comes next?' asked the man. The Prophet replied: 'Your mother!'. 'And who comes next?' asked the man. The Prophet replied: 'Your father'" (Bukhari and Muslim).

"Your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, And that you be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in your life, Say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, But address them in terms of honor. And out of kindness, Lower to them the wing of humility, and say: 'My Lord! bestow on them Your Mercy as they Cherished me in childhood' " (Quran 17:23-24).

One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are least prepared for.

Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial and as such we should take the task of parenting seriously, and start learning from each other. In my experience in dealing with my own family and counseling other Muslim families, a model has developed based on what I call "The Positive and Negative C's". I pray to Allah that this humble contribution will help parents and children alike in diagnosing and repairing the health of their families.

POSITIVE C'S

Compassion (Rehmat)

Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) stated, "He is not of us who does not have compassion for his fellow beings".
It is interesting to note that when it comes to Hadith like this or Quranic quotes dealing with human behavior, we never stop to think that our children and family members are also our fellow human beings and that these golden rules must also be applied to them.
Compassion is only one component of the concept of mercy (Rehmat) — the others being kindness, respect, and of course love. Remember the displeasure of Prophet Muhammad when a Bedouin told him how he had never kissed any of his ten children.

Consultation (Shura)

The Prophet has related that Allah says "Oh My servant. I look on high handedness as something not permissible for myself, and I have forbidden it for you. So do not oppress each other".
When we consult with each other in the domestic realm, both husband and wife must show respect for each other. This is one of the best ways to bond and to learn to listen to each other and to resolve conflicts. However, the consultation will only be fruitful if it is sincere and not merely a formality. Imposition of one's ideas with scant regard to the welfare of the whole family unit defeats the purpose of the most important Quranic principle of Shura.

Cooperation


This concept of cooperation in Islam is most beautifully illustrated in Sura Al-Asr: "… counsel each other to the truth (Haq), and counsel each other to patience and fortitude (Sabr)".
When a family unit cooperates in this manner, they truly capture the spirit of Islam — the welfare of each member of the family becomes the concern of the other.

Commitment

It is extremely important that our families commit themselves as a unit to Allah and His Prophet(s): "Obey Allah and His Prophet and those in authority over you" (Nisa). This collective commitment gives us an identity and maps out our purpose — namely that we all belong to Allah and are accountable and responsible to Him.

Communication

Communication is more than talking. It is an essential part of family life. It is both talking in a manner in which others can understand you, and hearing in a manner in which you can listen and understand others.
So many times people claim that they have no communication problem since they are always talking. However, the majority of the time they are talking "at" and not talking "to". This mode usually results in the recipient tuning out. Many children at an early age learn to tune out their parents.
When communication is a means to listening, understanding, and exchanging ideas, it is the most powerful tool to effective parenting and the best shield against peer and societal pressures.
It also teaches children skills to problem solving. An important component of positive communication is a sense of humor when parents and children can laugh together. Communication can also be instrumental in passing down family history and thus creating oneness and togetherness by sharing a mutual heritage (children love to hear about family stories).

Consistency

Effective parenting requires that we are consistent in our value judgments, discipline, and moral standards. Many parents inadvertently apply double standards to boys and girls when it comes to social behavior and domestic chores. This is unacceptable, and leads to sibling rivalry and stereotypical males and females.

Confidentiality

Family is with whom we can feel safe and secure. Where we know our secrets are safe and where there is mutual trust. Unfortunately, parents often betray the trust of their children when they discuss their concerns, which they confide in them to outsiders. This leads to mistrust, and sooner or later our children will stop confiding in us. This may take them to find confidants outside the family, sometimes non-Muslim peers, and this can be detrimental to their spiritual and moral growth.

Contentment (Tawakkul)

The greatest gift we can give our children is that of contentment. This can be developed very early in life by encouraging our children to give thanks to Allah for all they have by discouraging materialism by word and example, and by counting the blessings every night and remembering the less fortunate.

Confidence

It is the duty of parents to build confidence in our children through encouragement and honest and sincere praise. By developing confidence, we give our children the courage to stand up for themselves and their beliefs and to be able to deal with opposition.

Control

By teaching restraint and avoiding excess we develop in our children control so that they do not become slaves to their desires (Nafs).

Calm

By encouraging and showing calm in matters of adversity and in times of panic we improve our Taqwa (God consciousness) and teach our children to rely on Allah and to turn to Allah alone for all needs.

Courage

Courage of conviction can only be achieved when we have been able to teach our children true Islam. We should take advantage of every learning opportunity as a family so that our faith (Iman) flourishes and evolves towards Ihsan as a family unit. In this manner we can be a source of strength to each other.

Critical Thinking

The Quran encourages us over and over again to think, reflect, ponder, understand and analyze. However, very rarely do. Parents must encourage children to ask questions. Our response to difficult inquiries from our children is to say "do it because I said so". This discourages the children from developing critical thinking. They become lazy and complacent and easy prey to cult type following. To take things at face value makes us vulnerable.

Charitable

The most important attitude of a Muslim personality is, as Prophet Muhammad stated : "Do you not wish that Allah will forgive you? Then forgive your brothers and sisters". Many relationships break because people are not able to forgive each other. It is important that parents make up in front of their children by forgiving each other after an argument. Prophet Muhammad stated, "Like for your brother what you like for yourself". So if husband and wife expect respect from each other they should give respect.
A charitable nature also encourages us to overlook people with their shortcomings and to be sensitive and to have empathy.


Breastfeeding

"We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him, and in pain did she give him birth. The carrying of the (child) to his weaning is (a period of) thirty months. At length, when he reach the age of full strength and attains forty years, he says, 'O my Lord! Grant me that I may be grateful for Thy favor which thou hast bestowed upon me, and upon both my parents....'"
Holy Quran 46:15

Family Life Question: "Breast feeding our new baby will be a new experience for me, and I'm concerned about providing an adequate amount of milk. What are some helpful things to know?"

Dear New Mother:
It is from the breast that "the milk of human kindness" literally flows. Human milk contains thousands of nutrients, some of which are not found anywhere else in nature. It is very specific in its design for the optimum growth and development of the human infant.

Breast feeding is a part of the continuation of life, that is evolving in the manner Allah has ordained. Breast feeding is natural. We have abandoned many of the beautiful natural things that Allah has given to us that would assure the sanctity of human life. We need guidance to adhere to the more natural ways of life that are in accordance with Allah's universal order. "There is no moving creature on earth but its sustenance dependeth on Allah." (Quran 11:6)

Not only are the physical qualities of breast milk best, the emotional and spiritual bonding that takes place between mother and child is immeasurably vital to life. Breast feeding encourages bonding for the entire family. Allah has given the woman the role of nurturer of life, the role of providing the warmth, comfort, security and compassion that sets life on the best course.

There are many herbal remedies for breast feeding mothers. More than 30 herbs are considered to promote healthy milk producing. Nutritionists advise the widely know herb, fenugreek. Dr. Mohammed El-Shatet of Fouad University in Cairo, Egypt, reports in Mothering magazine (July-Sept. 1988) that fenugreek could increase breast milk production by as much as 900 percent. Mothers who had experienced their babies failing to gain weight found that infants thrived when they began drinking fenugreek tea. Even adoptive mothers have been able to produce milk for their babies after drinking this tea regularly. (3)

The effectiveness of an herbal remedy is dependent upon its preparation. Healing qualities are increased when herbs are grown in a kitchen garden with loving care and without pesticides and herbicides. There are natural pros and cons to using herbs while breast feeding: herbs may flavor milk; some herbs that affect the infant and are as potent as pharmaceutical products; herbal remedies may alter the composition of milk; herbs can influence the quantity of milk. When there is any room for concern, consult a nutritionist and always consult your caring physician.

Breast feeding is one way that Allah has given us as mothers to nurture life and through it, Allah wants us to feed our young ones the physical, emotional and spiritual food vital to life. Studies have revealed that "African" youth who are breastfed and carried about on the mother's back as she goes about through the day are among the youth with the highest intelligence levels in the world.

Kabongo, a Kikiyu chief in Africa, spoke these beautiful words about his mother when he was eighty years old: "My early years are connected in my mind with my mother. At first she was always there; I can remember the comforting feeling of her body as she carried me on her back and the smell of her skin in the hot sun. Everything came from her," as related in Touching the Human Significance of the Skin by Ashley Montagu. (4)

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