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Friday, September 22, 2006

Don't Feed The Animals.......

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Well, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda.
"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring, Eats shoots and leaves."


A Golden Phone.

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches
around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started
working east from there.
Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and
making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall
and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The
pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven and if he paid the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake, Denver, Chicago,
Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones,
with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Alabama. Upon entering a church, behold,
he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read
"Calls: 25 cents."
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have
been in cities all across the country and in each church I have
found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct
line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost
was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in the South
now, and it's a local call.

OLD FRED

Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn't look good. Suddenly, he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away and places it in his jacket pocket.
At Fred's funeral and as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes he's wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration in it for us all." Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Perfect Day: for Him and Her

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER
8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 2 pounds lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants.
Open presents - expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12:45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17 pounds
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle
hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before
full length mirror
7:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:50 Carried to bed . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive satisfying **** while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast: steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en-route to airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear Jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine - 2 under
11:45 Lunch: steak and lobster, 3 beers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine - 4 under
2:15 Limo back to the airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, all nude,
who also bend over a lot displaying growlers
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
5.00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending
over, naturally).
6:45 ****, Shower and Shave
7:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated;
7:30 Dinner: lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak
followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you
watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies...some bending over)
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 A night cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog
to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep

From the Medical Profession:

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3 year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again."

Doctor's Notes

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one.

Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient

Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Dr. SusanSteinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient
twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read
the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been
bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste"
the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was
completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

and finally...

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked
up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Dr. wouldn't admit his name

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to menuntil they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Tobacco Ruling A Smoking Gun
by
Dave Barry
Miami Herald

Q. Could you please explain the recent historic tobacco settlement?
A. Sure. Basically, the tobacco industry has admitted that it is killing people by the millions and has agreed that, from now on, it will do this under the strict supervision of the federal government.
Q. Will there be monetary damages assessed?
A. Yes. To compensate for the immense suffering caused by its products, the tobacco industry will pay huge sums of money to the group most directly affected.
Q. Lawyers?
A. Yes.
Q. Will the federal government also receive large quantities of money?
A. Of course.
Q. How will the tobacco industry obtain this money?
A. By selling more tobacco products.
Q. What if consumers stop buying tobacco products?
A. That would be very bad. That would mess up the economics of the whole thing. The government would probably have to set up an emergency task force to figure out ways to get people smoking again in order to finance the historic tobacco settlement.
Q. Under this settlement, will potent new steps be taken to remind smokers that they should not smoke?
A. Yes. Cigarette packs will carry even sterner scientific warnings regarding the badness of smoking, such as "YOU BIG DOODYHEAD!" These warnings will no doubt have the same massive impact as all the previous warnings, causing many smokers to smack their foreheads and say, "I had NO IDEA that smoking was unhealthy. I shall quit immediately!"
Q. Seriously, is there some kind of printed warning that really would make people stop buying cigarettes?
A. Yes. Sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT." American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Q. If the government really wants people to stop smoking, how come it doesn't just make cigarettes illegal?
A. Because people would smoke them anyway.
Q. Then how come the government makes crack cocaine illegal?
A. That is an unfair comparison. The tobacco industry is merely selling a deadly product; the crack cocaine industry is guilty of something far worse.
Q. Failure to make large political donations?
A. Yes.
Q. What does the historic tobacco settlement do to discourage adolescents from smoking?
A. It requires the parents of adolescents to put on giant pants, shave their heads and get their noses pierced, then smoke cigarettes in front of their kids while making such statements as, "Smoking is cool, dude!" This will cause adolescents to join strict religious orders.
Q. Many people started smoking because they watched classic movies in which glamorous Hollywood stars were always inhaling and exhaling vast clouds of smoke and looking totally cool. What will be done to correct this under the historic tobacco settlement?
A. By 1998, all classic movies will be digitally reprocessed by special Food and Drug administration computers so that - to cite one example - in Casablanca, when Humphrey Bogart makes his dramatic final speech to Ingrid Bergman, he will have the voice of Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
Q. Whose voice will the late John Wayne have?
A. The late Lucille Ball's.
Q. Under the historic tobacco settlement, will cigarettes still be sold from vending machines?
A. Yes, but people purchasing cigarettes from such machines will also receive, as a warning of the health risks involved, a powerful electrical shock.
Q. What will happen to all the Tobacco Institute scientists, who, despite decades of dedicated research, were never able to find a single shred of evidence proving that cigarettes cause cancer?
A. At the request of the White House, they will be reassigned to the Whitewater investigation.
Q. Speaking of administration scandals, if President Clinton actually winds up in court over this Paula Jones thing, what steps will be taken to prevent the trial from turning into a grotesque and demeaning public spectacle?
A. Mr. Clinton's face will be covered at all time by an electronically superimposed dark blob, underneath which will be an electric label identifying him only as "A UNITED STATES PRESIDENT."
Q. How will the historic tobacco settlement affect the aliens whose spaceship crashed near Roswell, N.M., in 1947, and whose bodies are now being kept in top-secret government freezers?
A. Millions of dollars will be paid to their lawyers.
Q. I guess that covers it! Thanks! Smoke?
A. I have my own.

Male Or Female?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil, ' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, 'What gender is a computer?'

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was made up of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

NIGHT LIGHT

By Floyd A Jensen
(c) 1998 - 2000


It was nearing bedtime,
on a hot and sultry night.
When Ma walked to the outhouse,
Beneath a full moon light.

I heard that woman screaming -
and it gave me quite a scare.
Cause a Hoot Owl, hooted at her
Then it fluttered through the air.

The old hoot owl, swooped down at her
And it gave her quite a show.
And when she reached the outhouse -
She didn't need to go.

That cotton pickin' hoot owl,
Put that poor old girl in stress.
Cause she came stompin' in the house
And I could see she'd wet her dress.

She screamed : "We need a night light !"
And you know - I did agree.
Cause I knew that if I didn't,
She would make life hell for me.

"I want it up this week-end":
She screamed in voice so mad.
I thought I'd better get one up,
Or my life it would be had.

I went down to the Lumber Yard,
And I bought a power pole.
Then I spent six hours diggin'
and putting in a hole.

That Friday at the swap meet,
I bought an outside light
Guaranteed to light the yard,
On the darkest eerie night.

My uncle was a linesman,
So he lent some tools to me
I hauled them home in my pickup truck
As happy as could be.

I pulled into the driveway
Cause I was on a roll.
Then I put on belt and spikes,
and shimmied up the pole.

I viewed the town from pole top,
Then counted the neighbour's sheep
And in the shade my old dog laid
Old Blue was fast asleep.

I chained a pulley to the pole
And ran my lasso down.
Then I hooked up, my pickup truck
And the light there on the ground.

I eased up my pick up truck,
As the light swung in the air.
And I pulled it to the pole top,
With tender loving care.

I climbed back up that light pole,
In my safety belt and spikes.
Then thought "this job is simple"
Like a hunter, on a hike.

Well - you know ? it had to happen,
As I sat atop the pole.
Cause a dog ain't got a conscience,
and a cat ain't got a soul.

My neighbours two old Siamese cats
wandered into my back yard.
And they woke up my dog, Old Blue,
While I screamed out "Oh LORD" !!

Those cats ran up that power pole,
I could see their bristly hair,
I saw the terror in their eyes,
As their tail's stuck in the air.

Old Blue, kept right on barking,
While I was yelling "Git !!"
When those cats kept on comin'
I could see they wouldn't quit.

Well I have told some stories, friend
But here's one, that's a fact.
Those cotton pickin' hybrid cats
Ran clean up my back.

I could feel their claws a digging in,
While they perched atop my head.
So I reached up to slap em down -
But they slapped me instead.

My spikes turned loose and we came down,
Supported by my belt.
While the cats' claws dug into my head.
wood slivers my legs felt.

I hit the ground with those old cats
And landed on my seat.
It knocked the wind out of my lungs,
And that made my day complete.

Then Old Blue came in a running,
And man was it a sight.
Cause I was in the middle
of a dog and pussy fight.

Those doggone cats hopped off my head,
and took off on the run.
While I was crawling to my truck,
To try and get my gun.

I aimed my rifle rapidly
To blow those cats to hell
But then I heard the hammer click,
because there were no shells.

I pulled the slivers from my legs,
While I sat there in place
And Old Blue came up to me,
Then tried to lick my face.

Well, if you're looking for a derned good mutt,
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll give you my blue heeler
and throw in a cat or two.

My wife she had no sympathy
And I guess that is her right.
But next time she gets hooted at -
She can hang her own damned light.

Can This Be True?

Subj: chemistry proves hell and heaven, very funny thesis! Can this be true?
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University
of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how
the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go
to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume
of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives
two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I
sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her
last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell
is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a
divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh
my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A

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